Thursday, April 22, 2004

Like many of his fans, I was really disappointed when i found out about Seyyed Ebrahim Nabavi's show for Radio Voice of America.

but that guy's sense of satire is so brilliant that i couldn't bring myself to boycott him. i mean, i don't follow his stuff on Voice of America, but i still check his regular posts on the Gooya Newsletter.

anyway, his list of "political diseases" was so funny and accurate, that i can't help but post my hasty translation below. For the original text in Persian, just click here.

Political Diseases
by Seyyed Ebrahim Nabavi

Given the existence of numerous political diseases that have arisen from an excessively contaminated environment, lack of preventive care, and the old age of the patient (i.e. the Iranian political scene) as well as the lack of medical treatment, some of the diseases existing among Iranian political groups and forces have been identified as follows:

Strabismus: The patient suffers from errors in vision and cannot apprehend reality-- the Iranian Left abroad.

Stress: A sense of constant worry and anxiety--the people of Iran.

Schizophrenic Disorders: Having dual or multiple personalities--Intellectuals in general.

Depression: feeling hopeless about the future, lack of motivation accompanied with staring at walls and fences, a constant desire to sleep--the Reformists.

Post-Partum Depression:A sense of impotence in relation to the post-birth situation, lack of appetite and constant fatigue in the face of the duties the patient must perform--The Reformists after the election of the 7th parliament.

HIV/AIDS: The destruction of the body's immune system and constant feeling of weakness. This disease may remain dormant for years but suddenly break out and peak--The Tudeh Party.

Tirchnosis: Feeling weak accompanied by constantly feeling hungry and over-eating, tendency to persecute others and to shed numerous worms--The Judiciary Branch.

Earwax Blockage: Swelling around the ear drum causing the inability to hear various and dissenting voices--The Guardian Council.

Alzheimers: Loss of memory, forgetting the past, and making bizarre claims that do not match the blood group of the patient's political party--The Leaders of the Islamic Republic.

Parkinson's Disease: Shaking of hands and body due to very old age, inability to control movement and behavior--Groups working in Coalition.

Hypertension: Feeling constantly hot accompanied by a feeling of agitation and suffocation, desire to quarrel with others and rip them to shreds--The Hardline Right Wingers, Hossein-Allah Karam and friends

Brucellosis: The patient occasionally runs very high-fever, gets the chills, and becomes delirious. The patient becomes well after a while, disappears for several months, and then once again runs a fever-- The Mujahideen Khalgh.

Heartburn: Feeling a burning in one's stomach due to the behavior of others. The patient gets a burning stomach because of what the people of Iran do, begins to shout, and takes to brawling in the streets for no reason-- The Hizbollah.

Rabies: The patient is stricken with the desire to bite others. He foams at the mouth and attacks. Those who are attacked become ill and are in turn stricken with the desire to bite others-- The editorial staff of Keyhan Newspaper.

Nanism: Due to physiological and historical reasons or due to the brain drain, the patient does not grow and is happy with this result---The administrative system of the Islamic Republic.

Multiple Sclerosis: Progressive degeneration of nerves. The patient completely loses his ability to defend himself and cannot make ordinary movements--Mr. Khatami, the respectable President of the IR

Epilepsy: In various situations and for no apparent reason, the patient acts violently and inappropriately, then passes out-- Ansare Hizbollah and the Communist Worker's Party.

Paranoia: Feeling that the enemy is conspiring against you and suffering from delusions of grandeur--The majority of Iran's leadership from the time of Cyrus and Darius to the present have had and continue to suffer from this condition.

Cultural Rashitism: The patient suffers from softness in the bones, when he is sitting he can act normally buthe cannot get up and walk--The Student Movement (in reality the country's student in-action) and the Tahkeem Vahdat

Down syndrome: Retardation, inability to understand, and abnormal movements--Professor Mesbah and friends

Astigmatism: Blurriness in vision and distorted views of history, reality, and the world--the followers of Dr. Shariati and the intellectuals of Melli Mazhabi

Gigantism: Excessive and abnormal growth of the body without the growth of the mind--The political heroes of the nation (I am in no mood for arguments, otherwise I would name names)

Whooping Cough: The patient constantly makes horrendous noises, gets blue in the face, and with his constant noise-making causes great suffering to others-- The Official IRI Media

Gout: Due to excessive consumption of meat and fat over a long period of time, the patient loses his ability to move, constantly sits and can do nothing but talk--The Monarchists.

Melancholia: The patient has strange feelings, constantly imagines things and understands everything in a disorderly and distressed way, his words are incomprehensible, and he is pointlessly enraged--The Los Angeles bases Satellite t.v stations